


Project Managing the Apocalypse

by GwendolynGrace



Category: The Cabin in the Woods (2011)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Death, Gen, The gang do not die, They listen to Marty, but NOT WHO YOU THINK
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:47:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28164213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GwendolynGrace/pseuds/GwendolynGrace
Summary: It's not easy being one of the senior control room technicians for the Ritual. Gary Sitterson is up to the task.
Comments: 30
Kudos: 37
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	1. Part One: Preparation

**Author's Note:**

  * For [chasing_givenchy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chasing_givenchy/gifts).



> Violence / gore is referenced but not explicitly depicted.

2009 CE  
Year of the Ancients: 249,999

Gary Sitterson kept a day-planner. Unlike most people's, it did not start on January 1 and run to December 31. Gary Sitterson's day-planner began on or about March 25th and ended, every year, on the vernal equinox. His career--his life--revolved around the Ritual.

There were other rituals that other technicians ran--smaller ones. Fertility (May), Harvest (September), Days of the Dead (October), and even the Midwinter return of life (December). Sitterson had worked, at one time or another, on all of them. But through the years and through his own competence, he had risen in the ranks and was now one of the two senior technicians for the big one. The one that really counted. The one to which all the others were just little minor holidays in comparison. The single most important Ritual that the Facility oversaw.

And they had just come in second to Japan. Again.

"That's it," Hadley muttered next to him, as the Virgin was hacked to bits by this year's pick of nightmare: Kevin Miller, the mad killer. His backstory was, in Sitterson's opinion, one of the laziest the Story Department had ever written, equal parts Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers, and just as boring and predictable as either franchise. But, the crop of five this year had apparently been just as unimaginative, which may have explained why it took them so long to get curious about his artifact in the cellar and activate it. He and Hadley had needed multiple tricks to manipulate the kids--for some reason, the pheromones weren't cutting it. 

And then, just after midnight, the Fool triggered old Kevin, the pot went to Security, and Sitterson made a note to ask for a complete review--from both R&D and Data archives. He would have bet more money than his pool ante that the Chem Department had screwed this up somehow, just like in '98. Then, Hadley handed him a paper cup filled with bourbon, and Sitterson allowed himself the relief of knowing the world would continue for another year.

"I'm tired of coming in second to Japan," Hadley muttered.

"The important thing is that what we do keeps everyone else safe," Sitterson replied stiffly. "But...yeah, I'm tired of it, too."

They always took the next day off, of course--except for Maintenance, already working on the cleanup. And the day after that, Sitterson opened up his planner for the following year's Ritual.

It's not easy being one of the senior control room technicians for the Ritual. Gary Sitterson was up to the task. 

**Excerpt from Sitterson's Planner**  
_DAY/WEEK AFTER THE RITUAL_

  * start planning for following year
  * Clean-up from ritual
  * wrangle monsters / grow additional?
  * Repairs to cabin / grounds / reset
  * Operations selection committee starts process to recruit new targets



It was singularly annoying that as a senior control room tech, one was also partially responsible for the post-ritual operations, as well. They were pretty much the project managers, he and Hadley. (Of course, Sitterson had been at it longer, so he thought of himself as senior senior, but he and Hadley had never really discussed which of them was subordinate to the other. But really, he was in charge. Except when Hadley was.) He fobbed as much off on Hadley as he could, but--

"We're trying again, did I mention?" Hadley said casually as they walked into their meeting. It was "casual" only in tone--the tension in Hadley's shoulders made it clear that he had a point he hoped he wouldn't have to state out loud.

"You did mention it, yeah," Sitterson confirmed. Only every few minutes for the last two days. "I really hope it works this time, Steve." _If only because you'll stop bitching about getting pregnant, and start bitching about raising a kid,_ he thought, not unkindly. 

"Thanks. I was...I'm saying it because, I'm gonna take some time off. She wants to get the nursery done."

"Cart before the horse, there, much?" Sitterson mumbled. He knew Hadley would take it as meant--not cruel, just two men, being practical. "You don't think she's getting her hopes--"

"She is," Hadley agreed. "But, I gotta live with it, right? Plus...they say it's good if we, uh, connect. Over things like that. Nesting, I think they call it."

"Sure. You know, when Jenny and I had Sam, she must have changed her mind about the paint in the baby's room dozens of times. Almost right up to the night we brought him home."

The attendees filed in and within a few minutes, Sitterson called everyone to order. The best thing was just to close out the previous year's aftermath as quickly as possible, and look ahead. 

"Jerry, how are those repairs going? And...Jack, really? A water main? Now we have to send people up to the county again, smooth things over, and you know that means we probably need to grease some palms. Old ones, preserve me. I mean, yes, we have to protect the world, but you know, we're also on a budget, people."

"It's not our fault, Gary; we can do a lot, but we can't exactly tell Kevin where not to swing his axe."

"Well, we can make sure the lines are buried, or better protected, can't we? Listen up, people. Now... we've got a lot to cover to close out this year's near-fiasco, but before we get into the details, I just want to say that I have a goal in mind for us. Folks, we're gonna be number one --no more coming in just behind Japan. Now, to do that, we have to make sure we're really on top of our game. No foul-ups. We pick out the right group. We set up the invitation, the site, even the food in the fridge, if we have to. But we don't leave anything to chance this time."

_SIX MONTHS BEFORE RITUAL:_

  * Target selection committee narrows field; observes top candidates
  * Psychology department identifies / assigns roles
  * Operations ensures social ties as-needed for gathering at Cabin



"We really think we've got some winners this year, boss," reported Nate, from Operations. "Our front-runners are all at USC, but there's a problem."

"Problem?"

"They're friends, but there's only four of them. We're...seeing what we can do to introduce a fifth member. Meanwhile, there's another set that might work, but…."

"But?"

"But they're a little far away. We'd have to contrive a little more to get them to the Cabin."

"Admin's breathing down my neck to stay in budget. Next?"

"Admin's also pushing for more diversity in our groups, too. I mean, they _are_ from Detroit…."

"No, the Cabin invitation has to be convincing. I don't think they'll bite," said Melissa in Psych. "We can get a fifth member in the party at USC. And I think we can satisfy the diversity request, too." 

_TWO MONTHS BEFORE THE RITUAL_

  * Final selection committee recommendations reviewed
  * Director signs off on targets
  * Preparation begins



The meeting Sitterson hated most was the one two months out. The one with the Director. She was possibly more frightening than half the monsters in Zoo. At least the monsters were secure inside their cubes, and they didn't have the power to bust one's ass all the way down to maintenance crew. 

"So...it's Curt Vaughan, Jules Louden, Dana Polk, and...Marty Mikalski?" she said through tight lips, flipping through their photos on the tops of their folders. "But Vaughan's the jock, not the scholar?"

"Yes, Director. We...have a Scholar identified. Really, either he or Vaughan could be the Athlete, but traditionally, the Athlete and the Whore--"

"Yes, of course." She hovered over the picture of the Fool. "Are you sure he's the right choice?"

There was a ripple around the table. The merest suggestion of doubt from the Director could send them scurrying back to their other candidates, scrambling to correct whatever objections had knocked them out of the running. 

Wendy spoke up. "He's..practically ideal. His substance use makes it easy to introduce our own agents. It gives us an inordinate level of control."

The Director held Wendy's gaze for a few moments, waiting for her to wilt under her laser focus. But Wendy didn't flinch. "All right," she said with no more acknowledgement of Wendy's victory. "Tell me about the add-on."

"We're looking through a number of likelys," said Nate. 

Everything was tracking as well as could be expected.

_ONE MONTH BEFORE THE RITUAL_

  * Arrange for Cabin invitation via credible source
  * Confirm friendship developing between Athlete and Scholar
  * Ensure Cabin preparations are on schedule



"So, does he even _have_ a cousin?" Hadley asked at their weekly check-in with the team.

"He does, but of course, he didn't send the email."

"And the camper van, how did we arrange that?"

"We didn't!" Nate exclaimed. "His father really does own one. Providence, I guess."

"The will of the Ancient Ones," murmured Sitterson. "Okay, and the Scholar--we still have a few possibles, or is one looking more like the winner?"

"Yeah, uh...Holden McCrea is moving up to the front line," said Melissa. "He and Curt have been getting along really well on the team; Curt's even mentioned meeting Jules, which means he's comfortable with Holden, and possibly wants her approval."

"Fantastic. How's the stoner?"

"We've had to put a little pressure on one of his professors to keep him from failing, but he'll be on board."

"Everyone still gets along?"

"Yeah, in fact, they all just went to a pep rally about a week ago. Except for McCrea--he still hasn't met the rest."

"These choices are all fairly intelligent," Sitterson observed, with the air of just covering the bases. "What's the likelihood they'll pass on the challenge altogether?"

"We've got it under control," Wendy insisted. "The two women will fall and in the correct order, trust us."

"And speaking of that, the Virgin is still...uh, a virgin?" Sitterson asked. "I mean, let's be clear it's getting harder and harder to find one older than eighteen."

"She's not pure, but it's within acceptable margins," Melissa commented. "There's evidence of some kind of flirtation with a professor. But we can't confirm vaginal sex."

"Whoa, whoa, let's not get graphic, here," Hayden cut her off quickly. It was almost ironic, considering he droned on about the fertility stuff with his wife--but maybe he was just thinking of the most recent mandatory training about workplace harassment. Either way, Sitterson was satisfied with the reasonable doubt. It was getting too late to derail selection, anyway. They'd just have to roll with the changing times.

_TWO WEEKS BEFORE THE RITUAL_

Department final checks:  


  * Chem
  * Operations
  * Engineering
  * Electrical
  * Distribution
  * Internal Logistics



"Have you ever visited the site?" Sitterson asked Nina, one of the newer logistics technicians. Gods, she was gorgeous. If he hadn't been happily married… and if they hadn't just had those mandatory trainings....

"I was topside just last week, actually. Helping the team place all the artifacts. It's like a horror candystore up there."

"Yeah, your folks do a pretty decent job. You should check out the props workshop sometime, it's massive. I particularly like the process where they...age and distress the stuff so it looks old."

"Is any of it real?"

Sitterson shrugged. "Eh, some of it has been around since I've been here, and I started with the Organization about fifteen years ago." He reached around her for a fresh coffee cup. 

"Does it...bother you?" she asked.

He placed a paternal hand on her shoulder. "It's serious work we do. It's not easy, no, but what we do saves lives." He frowned. "You know, if you're feeling uneasy, you could see one of the staff counselors…."

"No," she said quickly. "No, I'm...fine. I just…. Which ones get picked the most, do you think?"

"Well, there are some standards. The Buckners, the dancer..werewolf, killer clowns, scarecrows. The classics."

"What's the scariest?" she asked.

"Depends on what scares you, doesn't it," he said, "but they're all pretty frightening. I mean, that's the point, right?"

"Sure. What's your favorite, then?" she asked.

"Oh, well, you can't do much better than Fornicus the Hell Lord. He's--hey. Wait a minute," he said, straightening up. "You're trying to figure out what to bet on, aren't you?"

She grinned. "What? No, of course not!" but she was a terrible liar.

"You're a terrible liar," he told her. "You thinking of striking out on your own, breaking from your department?"

"Please. They're going with 'giant snake;' of course I'm breaking out."

"Well, just don't bet on Merman. It's Hadley's favorite and they never, ever go for it."

Yep, things were going well. This year, for sure, they would finally overtake Japan. He could feel it.


	2. Part Two: Execution

THE DAY OF THE RITUAL  
2010 CE  
Year of the Ancients: 250,000

"I have a theory about all this," said Marty, after Jules almost made out with him. It had been weird back in their first year, and it was even weirder now, with Curt standing right there.

"Ooh, Chong has a theory!" Curt teased. "C'mon, baby, let's bail."

"No--wait, Curt. This is important," Marty insisted. Curt and Jules paused.

"Is your theory gonna get us laid?" Curt asked.

"C'mon, man, that's not you," Marty said. "That's not even the beer. I mean, think about it. Why are you two so horny all of a sudden?"

"What do you mean, Marty?" Dana said, "They're always pretty much all over each other."

"No, no, they're not. Not like, in a way that would make us uncomfortable." He pointed at Holden, who brought his hands up.

"Hey, I'm not part of--"

"Look how uncomfortable he is," Marty claimed. 

Holden picked up the Buckner diary across his lap. "I'm just...trying to figure this out."

"Figure what out?" Dana asked.

"The Latin."

"I thought Marty drew the line at Latin," Curt joked. He grabbed Jules around the waist. "Come on, babe, let's get some fresh air." They made for the cabin door.

"No, no, wait. Wait. Please don't go out there until we figure this out," Marty implored.

"It's okay, Marty," Jules told him. "We're just gonna go for a quick, um, walk. And then we'll be back and you can tell us what you all figured out."

"Yeah, you and Egghead figure it out, if he's not too busy devirgifying Dana," Curt jabbed on their way out the door.

Dana got up for another beer. "What...do you think it's going on, Marty?"

"I just think it's a little weird that Curt is suddenly all machismo, and Jules is a celebutard. I mean, he has a full scholarship and he's calling Holden an egghead? And Jules has never acted like this in her life. There's something wrong--and it started when we got here. We are not who we are. It's like...there are puppeteers."

"Puppeteers?"

"Pop-tarts?" Marty replied, blinking. 

"No, you said...puppeteers. Marty, you're really high."

"We are not who we are," he said again.

"It's only Curt and Jules blowing off some steam. Can you blame them? They've both had a really tough semester."

"Yeah, how about you, Dana?" Marty asked. "How's your semester been?"

Dana's face clouded. "Oh, you know...I'm fine. Jules thought I needed a break, too."

Back in the control room, Sitterson and Hadley both sat up a little straighter. "Think he's figuring it out?"

"I dunno, but let's not take that chance. Hey, Wendy? I thought you said you laced his stash?"

"We did," she said, rushing over, "but something's off. His levels are lower than I'd expect at this point. Let me see what I can do."

"We can pipe the gas," Hadley suggested.

"Guys, first sacrifice coming up," called Renee, directing their attention to the woods. 

They raised the temperature so that Jules undressed. They watched without emotion as she was attacked. SItterson muttered the prayer; Hadley stood by at the lever.

And then...it all started to go wrong. Curt, reacting more quickly than they anticipated, launched himself at Judah Buckner and pulled Jules away. Throwing her over his shoulder, he made a beeline back to the cabin.

"Oh my God, are you okay?" Dana asked Jules, seeing to the stab wound in her hand, after the guys shut the door on Judah Buckner.

"No, I'm fucking NOT," Jules said. Adrenaline had kicked all the pheromones out of her system and she was half in shock. "There are creepy-ass zombies out there and they are trying to fucking KILL us. And I need pants."

"And a shirt," Marty said helpfully. 

"Here," Curt took off his plaid flannel and handed it to Jules. "We should stick together," he continued.

"Watch the master work," Sitterson said with confidence, and piped the gas into Curt's room. 

"This isn't right, we should split up," Curt said the moment he walked over the threshold..

"No. No, I like the stick together plan," Marty answered. The others all nodded, infuriatingly. A moment later, Marty found one of the fiberoptic lenses.

"Oh, this is not good," Sitterson observed. It was like the kid had freaking radar.

There was a rumble below. "Greatest show on earth," Sitterson muttered. "They're getting restless." And with good reason. It was getting late, and they had almost had their first taste, and they'd been denied.

Up top, the five of them found the "black room" and Dana, to Hadley's frustration, ended Judah.

"Remember when you could just throw a girl in a volcano?" Hadley quipped.

"How old do you think I am? Anyway, we've still got Patience and the others. Heads up, they're going for the camper."

Hadley switched the view on the camera. "Shit, the tunnel's not blown."

"What?" Another damn problem to solve. And still not a single fatality. 

"I got this. You get a crew up there to put Judah back on his feet." 

Sitterson got the tunnel blown just in time. All five survivors climbed out of the van to plan their next move.

"Curt, don't try this," Marty said, as Curt pulled the motorcycle off the back of the Rambler.

"I can make it," he insisted.

"Please, baby, don't," Jules implored. "It's too far!"

"Wait," Marty said. "Did you see that?"

"What?"

"That...ripple. Hang on." He ran back into the camper and came out a second later with a tin can. In what could only be described as a preternatural impulse, he threw the can with all his might into the chasm.

"Shit," Hadley breathed. Sure enough, the can impacted on the optical wall. It burst into sparks and bounced off, dropping to the water below. 

"What the hell?" Curt asked, joined by Holden as they looked at the divide, dark again. Curt picked up a rock and threw it. An orange hexagon of bright light erupted on impact.

"Get the Buckners up there!" Sitterson shouted to no one in particular. As if in answer to his order, the zombie family shambled toward the little group.

"Oh, fuck!" Marty shouted in fear. Then: "The puppeteers!" he cried, as if putting everything together all at once.

"What the hell?" Curt climbed back into the camper. He backed it out. "Get in!" he told them, and they scrambled to climb on board. Still in reverse, Curt floored the gas. He ran over two of the Buckners, but the van went sailing off the ledge, thanks to a well-timed landslide courtesy of one Gary Sitterson. 

They hit the water. 

"This is gonna be ten times harder now," Hadley complained. "Not even a fatality in the crash? Oh, come on!"

"Yeah, I know, but we're still okay." Sitterson assured him. "Look, here's Judah, back to finish the job." Sure enough, the rehabilitated zombie appeared in the lake right next to the Rambler. He grabbed at random, but with a three-out-of-five probability of nabbing one of the boys, it wasn't looking good. He had to catch the Whore first, and he wasn't aiming too well.

Even more unfortunately, they were all friends. They worked as a team, and despite the Buckners' best efforts, they all arrived back at the cabin within a few minutes. They lost no time arming themselves with all the weapons that Logistics had helpfully provided. 

"What do we do now, Marty?" Holden asked.

"Okay… there was a camera. Which means, someone's controlling this. Us." He looked up--directly into one of the cams. "We know you're there!" he shouted. "Why are you doing this?"

While Curt and Holden kept the never-ending Buckner zombie family at bay, and Dana proved she knew what end of a shotgun to use, Jules and Marty examined the cabin. To Sitterson's horror, Marty found one of the access ports, and that quickly, all five of them were in the tunnels and out of sight.

"What the hell now?" Hadley asked.

The red phone rang. Sitterson and Hadley exchanged a look, but, Sitterson knew, he was closer to the phone. As soon as he picked up the receiver, she started chewing him out.

"Yes. We don't know, but--yes, Director. Of course, we'll handle it."

"No. I'll handle it. Find them and bring them to the chamber."

"Er--yes, of course."

"The sun is coming up in twenty minutes, Sitterson."

"I'm aware… we'll get them down there."

The problem was that inside the Facility, they had even less control over their visitors. Security tried their best to take them out, but again...the whore still had to go first, so no one dared take a shot that might hit one of the others.

"This is not happening," Hadley complained.

"It's...we'll make it," Sitterson insisted. 

It took fifteen of their precious twenty minutes, but Security got the group, at gunpoint, to the chamber. The Director explained what had to happen, and directed one of the guards to shoot them, starting with the Whore.

"I don't think so," Marty said with conviction, and launched himself between the gun and his ex-girlfriend. The bullet caught him in the shoulder, but more importantly, it gave Curt time to twist to the side and disarm one of the other guards.

"Are you kidding me?" the Director screamed. "What is wrong with--" but she didn't get to say more, because Curt body-checked her right off the edge of the platform.

"Four out of five, right? Starting with the whore," he spat. "I'd say that counts."

Jules, Dana, and Holden moved like a shot. Hadley didn't have a chance. "Fool," Holden named him as he went over. Curt, meanwhile, had taken the gun off the shocked guard and shot him with it. "Athlete!" he shouted, before looking right at Sitterson. He brought the pistol into line with his gaze.

"Scholar," he said clearly.

"If you do this," Sitterson said, hands out, "promise me this. You'll make sure it continues."

"What?" Curt said incredulously. The Ancient Ones rumbled beneath them.

"Make sure they're satisfied," Sitterson said, looking over his shoulder at the void. "This...this is fine. I'm prepared to die, but only if the world keeps going."

"I don't--" Curt said, and his outstretched hand with the pistol faltered. The rumbling increased.

"Please, son, we're out of time," Sitterson told him. 

"I can't--" Curt choked.

"I can," said Dana, appearing next to him with another guard's sidearm. 

Sitterson nodded. "Yeah, you can," he whispered. He felt the bullet enter his chest, before he even heard the shot. Dimly, he felt the sensation of freefall as he went over the side into the bottomless pit. Well, really, it did have a bottom, and he was about to be in it--if someone or something didn't catch him before he landed. As his blood left him, he grew philosophical, with just enough consciousness to reflect on the whole history of their relationship to the beings they served. For something like two hundred and fifty thousand years, humans had sacrificed to the Ancient Ones, and for the last twenty-five or so, they'd been using technology to perfect the form and minimize the damage. cSo, yeah. Maybe it was time for something new. A new generation to find a new way to appease them. 

_They're good kids,_ he thought finally--his last before he lost the ability to think about anything. _They're a good team. They'll figure it out._

**Author's Note:**

> Dear chasing_givenchy, first of all, I HOPE YOU LIKE THIS! It's unbeta'd but I think it hits the points you requested.
> 
> I also have to thank you, because you provided at least THREE prompts that I loved, and I actually had trouble deciding which one to write! I may even get around to fulfilling at least one of the other prompts for a New Year's Treat, as they're fabulous and deserve exploration. I'm sorry I didn't get to writing all of them.
> 
> Meanwhile, enjoy this little fix-it fic!


End file.
